Ian's UPDATED Awesome Webpage

Dedicated to all the men in cell block 3 of minimum security at Wood County Prison:

Dink, Hoover, Hoss, Doc, Joe, Dave, Gay Boy, Rip, Southern John, and Dink's Bunkmate who remains nameless

 

 

NEW..

The Goose: Ok, so I finally have a free weekend from my busy schedule so my friends Jay, Chris, Daren, and I all go to Columbus to visit Zach. When we get there we go to one of the golf courses Zach's dad owns. My first swing the ball went three inches forward and one inch into the ground. I pulled it out and hit again. After 12 shots I got it in the hole. The next hole was much cooler. I hit the ball into the edge of a pond. As I went to scout out where my ball was I saw an enormous Bullfrog which I pointed out to the other boys. They all said I should catch it because I'm the man for that kind of job. I rolled up my pant legs and stepped into the water and with lightning speed I caught the beast. With it's legs dangling down it was over a foot long. I named him Froggy and carried him with me. There was a row of racks that went across the middle of the pond. As I walked across it, there was a canada goose that hissed at me from the water so I hissed back at it. So Chris and Zach walk past it while I was still busy talking to Froggy. I was about ten seconds behind them in walking past but when I walked past the canada goose started flying at me honking loudly at me. I ducked because it almost hit my face and my hat was knocked off. I quickly turn around to see where me hat is but instead I see the goose flying straight toward my face again. Without time to react, I backhand punch the foul creature in the neck, knocking it straight into the water. This whole time I was still holding the enormous frog in one hand. I had to get my hat back so chris handed me a golf club. I swung it furiously with one hand and held the frog with the other. When I got within reach I used the club to hook my hat and ran like the dickens. I then let froggy go because Zach said his grandma woudn't let me cook him.

Chris turned in his bed when he heard an odd noise. It was some sort of comotion. A wet smacking sound, unfamiliar to his ears. Five minutes prior he shut off the lights to go to sleep with his roommate and a fat black chick still in the room on the futon. since he was trying to sleep, he looked down from his lofted bed to see what the disturbance was... He looked down only to scar his eyes for the rest of his life. His roommate was on top of hippo girl pumping back and forth. He quickly looked away and literally cried himself to sleep as he heard heavy breathing of the beasts as the mated like guerillas in heat. He later described how he tried so hard not to think about what terrible things were going on right below him. He woke up later to find his roommate and the girl three times his size gone and said they left a disgusting stink in the room. We all feel your pain Chris. Some day those tears will cease.

Smokey: Jay, Daren, Zach, and myself went over to the dorm called Harshman to meet some guys we were gonna play ultimate with. When we got there, we were all fooling around and I decided to spray some people with the fire extinguisher. I did just that. In just a few seconds the fire alarm went off because of the cloud of chemicals in the air. So we left to play ultimate. It was horribly windy and our disc sucked. One of the guys from harshman went back to get a football. When he returned he said there was a cop that wanted to talk the guy that lived in the room next to the extinguisher. We all started back and my boys all told me I should get outta there to avoid trouble. I started walking back to my dorm. About half way there that douche came running up to me saying "someone wanted to talk to me". The cop caught up in just a couple seconds. I was read my rights and asked if I did it. She said that guy said I did it and there were finger prints on the extinguisher so I admitted I did it. She then arrested me. I was offered a bail of $1,500 or I could go to jail. I easily chose jail. That was the coolest night ever. I quickly made friends with Hoover and Dink. My story of being in jail for spraying an extinguisher spread around like lightning and soon all the inmates were yelling things at the guards. Things like,"Wood county's finest taking down a hard criminal" and many other sarcastic remarks. When things settled I got to hear why everyone else was there. All the guys said that when they got out they'd beat the shit out of the kid that narced on me and I thanked them all. Rip was my bunk mate and I got top bunk. The next morning all the guys showed me ropes as we did our chores. We then had breakfast. It was just as good as the food from our schools cafeteria. After breakfast we watched Dirty Harry and some terrible movie starring Steven Baldwin. I then went to court for a hearing. I was let out for free on the condition I can never go into Harshman again and I must show up in court or I'll have a warrant for my arrest. I then took a nap and Dink woke me up for lunch. When my paper work was done I was given back all of my clothes and let free. I have been charged with "criminal mischief" and "inducing panic". For the first charge I can be fined $500 and six monthes in prison, for the second $1,000 and another six monthes. I am also in a lot of trouble with the university... So they all called me Smokey because I was like Smokey the Bear, putting out fires.

From back in the day...

AT LONG LAST: This is the story of one of the crazy nights I had with my friends on a cruise. After some drinking, we thought it wise to go atop the ship and set certain objects out to sea. We also thought what better than something really big. So Ryan, Aaron and myself go up on deck. It's late at night so not too many people are up there. We went to the edge and looked over and knew what we had to do. We started small. Aaron and I both grabbed one of those long chairs used for sunbathing and gave them a good huck. Watching them drift down and splash in the ocean was more than entertaining. So we did it some more. I believe I threw a total of 8 and Aaron threw like 3 or 4 and Ryan threw 0 cause he's a sissy girl. At this point we decided it was time to "go big or go home"(Aaron). We went to the ping pong area and folded up one of the tables and rolled it over to the edge. There were some people in the ping pong area but that didn't really bother us. on the count of three Aaron and I flipped it over the edge and watched it plummet. What a splash! Hilarious. We thought it best if we left quickly after that because one of the guys in the ping pong area was yelling some shit. Afterwards: Later we found out that while the table was descending it hit the window of some lady friends we met aboard. They were shocked and didn't know what had made that loud crash. We also heard that the guy yelling stuff at us as we made our getaway was a marine that wanted to kill us for doing that. In the end it was definately worth it.

The Story. This takes place the 18th of January 2004. I returned to my dorm at 9 and dropped off my bag. Jay walked in and I was immediately inspired. I told him we should drink and so it began. I had a handle of vodka and two thirds of a fifth of whiskey so this was going to be quite a night. I poured myself a glass full of whiskey and a glass of coke. I guzzled it down and took a sip of the coke. This is my classic move that wows everyone. Needless to say, where that one glass should have been enough, I drank another. Jay drank a total of over 20 shots which made us the funniest people around. Mike and Kaleb drank several shots of the vodka and Ben got drunk off 3 'cause he's a pussy. There is then a lapse in time where the night is rather fuzzy. The next thing I know, I'm waking up to the sound of someone gargling. To my surprise it was Jay laying on his back on my futon. It looked as though someone filled a bucket with puke and poured it on him. I got down off my bed and shook his shoulder saying "puke in the trash man" to which he responded "i'm cool" so I left to get a camera. Kaleb had a video camera and we took some footage of this awesome sight. I then went across the hall and slept there. I refuse to return to my room because it smells like puke.

The first story, the confession, I choose to share is one that only my friend Chris and I know. Now you know too. So one day Chris and I were at a track meet and for some reason or another we left, I believe we went to get my dad food from Tubby's. Somehow we discovered that my friend Andy's car was in the parking lot of a nearby Wendy's. We then came to the conclusion that it would be a grand idea of me to drop a load on the hood of his car. Unfortunately there was too much traffic at Wendy's. But that wasn't gonna stop us. I got a paper bag and went into the bushes behind the parking lot. I then propped myself against a fence and filled that bag. I took the bag to the car and emptied it on his hood. This was good for a hardy laugh. We then took it a step further. Knowing we'd want to remember this accurance we drove to Kroger and got a disposable camera, came back and spent half the role on pictures of the dirty deed. We then went back to the track meet swearing never to tell a sole......... Later that night we saw him at a nearby bowling alley were we heard his distressing story of the phantom crapper. We also then learned of a new twist to this story. When Andy found the poo on his hood he decided that it should be on the car next to his instead, which happened to be another friend Greg. I don't know what ever happened to the poo after that but I know that two cars got washed that day because of my feces..... and now that secret is revealed.

Party 'til you puke... Words I now live by.

My second story, Wonderbread, is about a kid named Ryan and his gay experience. It all started when my parents left for a weekend. Ryan and I had been drinking since 7pm that day and we don't fool around when we drink. So by 11pm, when Andy and Nick show up, Ryan and I were toasted. They walked in to see the two of us dancing in circles to techno music. Needless to say, we continued to drink. I don't know how much later, but later, we found ourselves lounging on the couch watching tv. Ryan is looking pretty out of it. I can tell this because he no longer is opening his eyes. He turned his head to me and said, "Ian, get me something to eat. I need something to eat." Nick who is sitting next to him says, "dude, put your balls in his mouth". Somehow Ryan doesn't hear this. So I placed myself strategically over him and unzip, releasing my sack onto his lips. He then starts a gentle nibble with just his lips like as though he was trying to pull them in. I fall to the floor and we all errupt with laughter. Ryan still with minimal reaction and eyes still closed says, "was that wonderbread?" We couldn't stop laughing for at least 5 minutes, but when we finally did, we told him it was my balls.

I once farted and it smelled so bad I puked. true story

My third story, Butter Eating, is about a competition I participated in. It was decided some day that people should see who could eat the most amount of butter. I was going to be one of those people. Bill and Tony were the two people I had to beat. I went out and purchased 4 boxes of AC salted butter. The day of competition had arrived. I had my manager, Dan, pumping me up for the event all day. The one thing I couldn't get out of my head was the fact that I was lactos-intolerant. Lunch came and we went outside to begin. We all had a stick ready and in hand, and at the signal we all took a huge bite of butter. I was thinking "this isn't that bad", so I ate more. After three sticks Bill puked. I still was feeling alright and ahead of Tony. I had slowed down my pace planning on just waiting for Tony to crack. Bill on the other hand started eating more and at an even faster rate. He probly puked a dozen times, which didn't make me feel better to watch and the smell was disgusting. Just then, when noone expected it, Tony died and I won. Some will tell you that I puked after seven and Tony made it to ten but those people are liars. Tony's dead and I won and I must worn you that butter may taste very good on other foods but is not as delicious as you would be led to believe.

I bought a pair of pants at a thrift store for 5 dollars and when I put them on the next day I found 2 dollars in the pocket. They are now my favorite pants.

I am now going to try to explain My Driving Record. I recieved my licence on the 30th of June 2001. Since then I've had quite an adventure. Here is my story... my first year I was pulled over 16 times for various reasons. Most of these were simple speeding tickets. If you're doing 15 over the speed limit or less, you can talk your way out of it. The way I have done is by taking control of the conversation and get off topic. When the cop asks "do you know why I pulled you over?" respond by saying "what's the problem officer?" This will put you right in charge of the conversation. You should have ready in your mind some questions you would like to have the cop answer. I use such questions as "Is it true that if a cop follows you for a mile, he can't pull you over because it's considered entrapment?" and "Is it legal for me to drive with people in the bed of my truck?" These are both rediculous questions but it puts him on his toes. So anyways, my point is the 8th time I was pulled over, the Lady cop was the hottest woman I've ever met in my life. The 9th time being pulled over is a tale. I had just dropped off my friend Andy and I guess I drove quickly through a neighborhood in that process. I was then on my way to pick up my little sister. I noticed a large truck riding my ass with his brights on. I made a daring pull onto Avon Rd trying to loose him immediately in a wave of traffic. This did not work so I sped to the light and turned north onto Rochester Rd. He was still hot on my ass. I thought maybe he just has to get somewhere, so I switched lanes. He switched too. So, seeing that both lanes were clearly open I proceeded to just go back and forth. At the bottom of the hill I came to a party store and made a quick right and immediately another going down an alley. He followed every move. I went straight through the stop sign and made yet another right going under the bridge. My thinking was I'd just go get my sister with this guy riding my ass the whole way. I sped through the next stop sign and was really moving pretty quickly past the cemetary were a cop saw us both. I slowed for a stop sign to turn right when I saw the lights flashing. I drove another block and turned right onto that street. I was hoping the man behind me would pull over and I'd just keep going. I can safely say there were at least six cop cars there by the end. They asked me some questions and then searched. They found a knife on me which I had forgotten about. It was called mini-rambo and it was the coolest knife I ever had. They said they could have charged me with carrying a concealed weapon. They then cuffed me and set me in the back seat of a cruiser. I sat watching them search my car. They even searched my bowling bag. One of the cops moved the seat forward and staired in with his flashlight and by shear dumb luck he did not notice the bottle of "Two-Fingers Tequilla". The pigs impounded my car and I had to call my mom to pick me up out of jail. After that nothing really excting happened to me. I did get in a head on collision and gave a lady a concussion, and threw her ten year old boy into the front seat from the back. I have been pulled over 26 times to this date. I cannot legally drive with anyone else in the car due to it being a risk to their life. I am going to bye myself a radar scrambler for myself for christmas if noone else gets it for me.(hint hint)

My jokes:

What did one potatoe say to the other?
We must be brothers!

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
a cloud

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hoodie
Hoodie who?
Hoodie Hoo!! It's the call of the killers!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nach-yo cheese

What a great start to my website. If you have a story involving me that you want to be posted on here e-mail me at: ianb@bgnet.bgsu.edu